


i want to love again as we are

by kungives



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But mostly angst, Cheating, Fluff and Angst, I love my boys, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Is The Sun, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Whipped, Mark is an angel, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Minor Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Minor Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, OT7 NCT Dream, Past Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Post-Break Up, Rated T for Trashmouth, Slow Burn, cameos from other groups eventually, dreamies work at an antique store, hyuck is a whole mess, hyuck just wants to be loved, hyuckie is a Serial Dater, jisung and donghyuck are brothers in this one, jisung is Best Brother, lol, other members might show up at some point idk, renjun sweetie im so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22041697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kungives/pseuds/kungives
Summary: "I don't know why you think you're unlovable, for real. You're so easy to love it drives me crazy," Mark sputters in typical Mark fashion, all honest eyes and static urgency, like he's scared the world will stop turning before he has the chance to finish speaking. The rain has him drenched down to the soles of his shoes-- they're both sopping wet, but Mark doesn't seem to notice. "Maybe, you-- I mean, uh... Maybe you just haven't been loved by the right person. Yet."alternatively; hyuck treats heartbreak like a dangerous routine and mark simply doesn't understand how someone whose presence is just so substantial-- so immensely significant-- can ever be seen as less than enough.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	i want to love again as we are

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from untitled 2014 by grdragon ofcourse what else silly!!!

The hardest part about break ups, moving on, or even simply grieving a loss is never what they say it is.

You read all those articles and self help blogs and they tell you the pain is going to be _crucial_. It's going to bite harder than a rabid dog. They tell you it's going to suck major for a few awful weeks. You're going to hole up in your room for days, talk to no one, eat nothing but ice cream and maybe half a bag of some gross, day old crisps from the store your brother works at if you're feeling up to it. 

They say it's all empty tissue boxes, wet pillows, and the playlist you have saved to your Spotify with 150+ indulgent songs. They say it's going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever experience, you'll never be the same, etc etc. For the most part, they’re right.

But what they don't tell you about is the fucking crater in your chest or that hollow feeling in your stomach and the burning in your throat that comes with being physically unable to hold down more than two pieces of toast with jam a day. They don't tell you about the heaviness you feel, like your limbs are slowly being sucked down into the Earth by an unforeseen force. They don't tell you about the permanent dehydration headache or the constant pressure behind your eyes, the scenes that pop into your mind every 20 minutes to remind you how miserable you are, the sudden onslaught of tears as you're standing in line at the grocery store, the worried looks from your friends and family, the pain pain _pain_.

They don't tell you any of that shit.

And, funny thing is, that's _not even the worst part of it!_

See, Donghyuck has been reading up on the five stages of grief, at times when he's supposed to be studying or stuffing his face with saltines while watching Gossip Girl like he promised himself he would when he got home. It's storming outside, the sky is pounding rain against the walls of his room. The thunder makes his bedpost rattle, and he's nose-deep in a book he found in a box at the bottom of his mom's shoe closet. Considering the nature of the book, she probably bought it shortly after Donghyuck's grandfather passed away; _It's Okay To Not Be Okay: How To Overcome Grief With Your Head Held High_.

Donghyuck doesn't know why the title is so long. It kinda made him not want to read it, but the hollow ache in his chest reminded him he had nothing better to do and he's still sort of at the point where he's grasping at straws, desperately trying to understand something that seems impossible to comprehend.

Honestly, Donghyuck isn't much of a reader. It's not really his cup of tea. He glosses through the first few chapters, zeroes in on page 70, the eery diagram depicting the 5 stages of grief.

Donghyuck never thought to lump his heartache into the same category as loss or grief until now. It actually kind of made sense. Humans are creatures of habit. 

Donghyuck thinks heartbreak is a bad habit of his.

Staring at a bizarrely detailed depiction of a child weeping at their parent's grave, he thinks he can stand to do it a little less. He thinks this might be how. 

Because even though it's 4 in the fucking morning and his nose is so numb from wiping it that he can't even feel it running anymore, even though he's still hurting, he thinks he gets it.

The hardest part of heartbreak isn't the denial, the constantly wondering where you went wrong or what you could have done differently. It's not the sense of injustice in feeling like you could have been treated better. It's not battling with sadness, with wounds that refuse to heal, with all the unspoken _"I still love you"_ s and _"Please don't leave me"_ s.

The hardest part is demolishing that last glimmer of hope that he'll come back and things will be different. The hardest part is accepting things as they are, it's forgiving and forgetting.

They like to tell you what it will be like and what you have to do to get through it. From an outsider's perspective, it's really easy to believe that they're right. It's easy to imagine if you've never done it yourself.

Call him dramatic, but he firmly believes that those who have died at the hands of someone who was supposed to love them and been reborn anew more times than once like Donghyuck has will know: heartbreak is different for everyone but there's one thing we can all agree on. Pain is easy. It's what comes after the pain that'll bring you to your knees.

⚘

Donghyuck is what his mother would call a serial dater. 

Though she would never admit it aloud, he knows she thinks he approaches love and relationships like a teenager instead of the 20 year old semi-independent adult that he is. She doesn't believe he's ever really been in love.

Donghyuck thinks that she's very wrong. Honestly, he thinks she's wrong about a lot of things, but she's even worse at love than he is so who's she to try and tell him what he's doing wrong?

His track record is so long and convoluted that he wouldn't be able to remember them all off the top of his head. He used to keep a list of all the names but it got to the point where it hurt too much to look at so he burned it one night at 2 AM (like a ritual, appropriately, while sitting on the roof and playing the same two Michael Jackson songs on repeat).

The important ones (separate from his ever growing number of one night stands and week-long affairs) can be described as such:

Cho Hyeyeon. They dated for, like. three months at the beginning of his freshman year of highschool. She was (and probably still is) the prettiest girl Donghyuck has ever laid eyes on. He was so infatuated with her that he couldn't sleep at night. He used to sneak out ungodly hours to meet her, and she never manipulated or abused him. She was sweet and soft and perfect, but they just didn’t mesh. They went out with grace and Donghyuck can hang out with her now without wanting to crawl out of his skin.

Heo Jiwon. One of his best friends at the time introduced them at the end of freshman year, and while Yukhei always had his best interests in mind when it came to girls, the two of them really had nothing in common. He loved her company, he loved her face and her voice and her body, but looking back it's hard for him to convince himself he ever loved her for who she was. They lasted the summer and went their separate ways quietly and respectfully. There were no hard feelings, but guilt and an awkward one night stand after a party in their senior year has caused him to avoid her like the plague. 

Kang Chanhee. Donghyuck likes to tell people it wasn't much more than a casual fling, a way to explore his sexuality, but it was so much more than that. They went back and forth for months under the radar, both too afraid of how being open about their sexuality would affect their private and social lives. It was probably his first serious relationship, and despite the fact that he was only sixteen, he thought they would make it. They went down in flames. Sometimes, Donghyuck still cries about it at night.

Kim Yerim. One year his senior; Donghyuck's personal favorite by far. Though they were never official, nor were they ever really exclusive per say, it was still what could be considered his longest sustained romantic 'relationship'. Donghyuck has come to think they didn't make it solely because they were too much alike. They were attached at the hip for awhile, always together at some party or skipping class or behind the bleachers making out. She helped him find his fire and brought him out of his shell. Then, she graduated and moved to Canada for school and while what they had wasn't healthy by any means he still can't think about her without getting misty eyed. He always felt they were better friends than lovers and that helped softened the blow a bit. They talk on the phone sometimes when they have nothing else to do. Donghyuck would be lying if he said he didn't miss her, but not in the way he thinks he should.

Xiao Dejun. Donghyuck found the courage to come out at the end of his senior year, using Dejun as a staple. They weren't very compatible but they held each other together for awhile and it was nice. Donghyuck was steadily exploring his wild side, and he trusted Dejun to keep him in line, which the older boy was surprisingly good at. They complemented each other nicely, but Donghyuck always felt he relied on the other a bit too much. Dejun loved to be needed, and Donghyuck loved to need him. It was convenient and easy. They never fought or argued about dumb things. It was perfect, but it wasn't exactly everything Donghyuck dreamed it would be. Then, Dejun cheated on him and that was the end of that.

And last but _certainly_ not least, Huang Renjun, Donghyuck's most recent disaster. They met in uni. Renjun was an exchange student from China with wide eyes and a sharp tongue. He was beautiful, intelligent and talented-- just all around everything Donghyuck thought he needed and everything he could ever dream of wanting. Renjun grounded him in ways that he never thought was possible, pulled him down to Earth and forced him to think about his future. Donghyuck followed him into a performing arts major; Donghyuck having a natural love and talent for dance and Renjun for writing lyrics and singing. Together they were dynamic, unstoppable. That is, until Donghyuck introduced Renjun to his friends from highschool. 

He knew it as soon as Renjun and Yukehi locked eyes that he was all but forgotten. They had a spark that the two of them just didn't have or weren't capable of. Donghyuck didn't blame him for cheating, nor did he try to stop him when he left.

Donghyuck has nothing if he doesn't have his pride. 

They were together for almost a year before they split. It was messy and dramatic, full of bitter words and hastily burned bridges. This one hit Donghyuck harder than any of the loves that came before, slaughtered him emotionally and rendered him unable to function for a solid two weeks. He had to take a semester off and move back home to recover in the safety of the room he grew up in with nothing but the small circle of friends that were still somehow able to tolerate him and an endless supply of self-help material at his fingertips.

So, yeah, maybe he is just a sucker for love. Maybe he's a little naive, maybe he's got his head up his ass, maybe he lacks emotional maturity. Maybe he doesn't really know what any of that means and maybe he hates himself for it. Maybe all he really wants is to be happy. Maybe he doesn't know what that means either.

Maybe his mother was right, though he religiously avoids thinking along those lines because his mom is currently juggling her third failed marriage and while he loves her to death he doesn't want to be _anything_ like her, much less lumped into the same depressing category as her. She's practically the poster child for failed relationships.

Or, Donghyuck thinks as he peels his wet cheek away from page 72, maybe he's the poster child. Wouldn't that make his mother the poster parent? Children tend to learn from example, after all. Maybe it’s hereditary. Donghyuck’s scientific brain declares that it would only make sense.

He slams the book shut, shoves it under a pile of useless textbooks and papers, thinking he's had more than enough.

Silently, he yanks himself out of his desk chair and stumbles over to his bed, content to lay down and fake sleep for awhile until it becomes a reality. The TV on the opposite side of the room mocks him, Blair Waldorf finding another excuse to dance around her perfect love. At this point it's just white noise in the background that he's learned to ignore, but even though it no longer helps him he can't go to sleep without the TV on. The darkness can be overwhelming.

Tonight it only takes him 27 minutes to fall asleep, in tears as usual. Last night it took 151 minutes. Tonight is just a blip in the code, a glitch that allows him to think that he knows more than he actually does, and tomorrow it will correct itself seamlessly and he will live his fresh misery all over again. Tomorrow night, at approximately the same time, he will be in the same exact position, weary eyes bloodshot from reading the same four sentences over and over again, mind running a mile a minute.

Tomorrow it might be a different feeling, a different experience, it might not, who can say?

All he knows is that it's something he's willing to try and accept, this life of his, as it stands.

At least for now.

If he could only figure out how.

⚘

Donghyuck's mother gives him exactly two weeks to wallow and sulk before she forces him to get a job. She pounces on him while he's sitting at the kitchen table at four in the morning with her cheetah print curlers still in her hair, trying and failing to choke down his Cheerios. 

"You can't just sit around here all day," she says, her heart-shaped mouth tugged into a pout that he knows looks much better on him than it does on her. She's using her inside voice because his brother is still sleeping, but the way she says it makes her words seem louder than they actually are. Condescending, I-know-you-better. Donghyuck thinks she's being a little insensitive but he doesn't say as much. "Your brother works. You're home for a few months, you should too."

Donghyuck's brother is everything that he and their mother aren't.

Jisung is too much like his father, all passion and determination. He's steadfast, honest, and annoyingly compassionate. Too shy for his own good, a bit of a pushover, but he never goes back on his word. Donghyuck often thinks that the boy doesn't have a bad bone in his body, though this doesn't stop him from being a _little_ hard on him. He likes to tell himself that Jisung is too naive for his own good, always a little too willing to trust people. Being the tough older brother he's supposed to be would only serve to teach him a thing or two. 

Suffice to say, Donghyuck loves his brother more than anything, but it doesn't change the fact that the only thing they have in common is a mother, so Donghyuck thinks this is an unfair comparison.

"Jisungie works at a retail store," Donghyuck mumbles into his cereal. He's managed to eat about half of it, the rest having gone all soft and soggy, now unable to be enjoyed to its fullest potential. There's no use in eating it now. He pushes the bowl aside just in time to hear his mom sigh loudly. He doesn't have to look up to see her roll her eyes, he can imagine it in his head. 

"Mhmm, and you could, too."

At the time, he doesn’t see this as an omen of misfortune, but looking back, he thinks maybe he should’ve. They say hindsight is always 20/20.

Donghyuck doesn't even bother mustering up a response to that. He doesn't have the energy to fight; his mom is just as stubborn as he is if not more. He stares blankly at the table mat before him. It's plaid. Donghyuck fucking _hates_ plaid.

Renjun wore plaid all the time, always said that someone had to do it and that he was doing the world a great service. 

And if Donghyuck wasn't hungry before, he certainly wasn't now.

⚘

It took Donghyuck an additional week stumble into the world of employment, with the help of his mom, and (surprisingly) Jisung.

"Are you done waiting for the world to send a bus your way to run you over?" Jisung announces his presence at the worst time, scaring the absolute shit out of his brother. Donghyuck was about 15 seconds away from finding out who Milo's real father is, comfortably seated at his desk where he had been for, like, five hours now. He spins around in his chair a bit too fast, nearly falls out of it, headphones dangling precariously from the side of his head from the sudden jerking motion. Oh, the _fright_ , the things he's endured.

"What the fuck?" He spits, as articulate as ever. "How did you get in the house?"

Donghyuck distinctly remembers taking the master key off of Jisung's chain before the younger left for work that morning. He also took the spare out from the cubby underneath the back porch. Jisung ate his last noodle cup last night and Donghyuck had to teach him a lesson.

He orchestrated it perfectly, made sure their mom was long gone. He locked all the windows, the garage, even went as far as to deadbolt the cellar door.

Jisung's eyebrows knit together crossly. "Wait, you're the reason my key disappeared, aren't you?"

Jisung's first mistake was expecting anything more than a cheeky grin and a noncommittal shrug in response. He let out an annoyed huff, frustration already bubbling over despite the fact that he's only been standing in Donghyuck's doorway for 30 seconds.

"Whatever. Mom told me to give this to you." Jisung paces awkwardly into the room and drops a stack of papers directly in front of him. Donghyuck watches him warily.

"What's that?"

"Paperwork."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "I can see that, genius. What's it for?"

His little brother looked almost confused for a moment. "Uh, for your new job?"

Donghyuck coughs suddenly. "My what?"

They stare at each other for a quiet moment. Then, a wave of realization dawns over the younger. "Oh, mom didn't tell you."

Donghyuck swivels around in his chair, now facing the taller, paler boy head on. "Mom didn't tell me what?"

"I told Taeil hyung you were looking for a job because you're a bum and mom wants you out of the house. He said he can give you a job, so I told mom and she printed out your resume. He said he's gonna take you on part time, you just have to fill this--" he idly gestures to the stack of papers, "--out before you start."

The tension headache that Donghyuck numbed an hour ago with Ibuprofen rears back ten fold, anger simmering in his chest. "You guys went behind my back?" He's struggling to understand. He wasn't interviewed. He didn't apply. The last time he talked to Taeil was last month when he came into his brother's place of work to harass him into giving him free snacks. Taeil told him off then and there. It's no secret that Jisungie's boss hates his guts. Did his mom have to bribe him into offering the job? Did she _threaten_ him? Oh my God, this can't be legal. "Is this even legal?"

Jisung crosses his arms over his chest, attempting to make himself look bigger, like he always did when the two butt heads. Though, it wasn't like he really needed to. Donghyuck had a bit more meat on his bones but Jisung was taller and his shoulders were wider and his hands were larger. Strictly speaking, they're pretty evenly matched as far as physicality goes, but Jisung could easily have the upper hand if he so desired. The only reason Donghyuck won all the time was because he was meaner, more willing to hit you where it hurts, and a bit smarter. Jisung has too much heart for his own good, and Donghyuck loves nothing more than to rise up to a challenge.

"Stop whining," the younger commands, sounding a bit whiny himself. "You needed a job and we helped you out. You should be grateful."

Donghyuck thinks both of those statements are horribly incorrect. Their mom runs an orthodontic practice, brings home more than enough to comfortably support the family. Being forced into labor that he neither wants nor needs is _definitely_ not something he should be grateful for. He's just about to say as much when Jisung opens his mouth again.

"Besides, we're kinda under staffed right now. We need the help." He averts his eyes, and Donghyuck knows he's about to land his finishing blow. "... You'd, like... be doing me a favor. I hate working 40 hours a week, y'know. Unlike some of us I actually have a life."

Donghyuck knows it's supposed to be an insult but it doesn't carry the bite that it would have coming out of his own mouth. Jisung is sassy, yes, but terrible at really insulting people. He specializes in sarcasm, something they both inherited from their mom, but lacks that signature nastiness. 

And for some bizarre reason, that only makes Donghyuck softer for the boy.

Hook, line, sinker.

He groans, leaning back in his chair, utterly defeated. "Oh my God, whatever! I'll do it, just get out of my face."

Jisung beams down at his older brother, gummy smile on full display. "Thanks," he says, and Donghyuck almost misses it because he's already halfway out of the room.

  
He shakes his head and secures his headset back into place. He can handle this later. He settles back into his chair and hits play. It’s going to be a long, _long--_ well _,_ rest of his miserable life.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a rough idea of where this is supposed to end up but i still 100% absolutely do NOT know what the hell i'm doing so please just bare with me. 
> 
> it's gonna be a wild ride. updates will likely be sporadic, sorry for that, but kudos and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
